Top Ten

Baseball Top Ten Lists

DAVID LETTERMAN'S

Signs You're Not Watching A Real Baseball Team

10. You recognize batter as the kid who just sold you a hot dog.

9. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.

8. They keep shouting "do over!"

7. When umpire yells, "strike three," batter looks at him as if the dude's speakin' French.

6. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.

5. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.

4. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "dinner time!"

3. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.

2. You overhear the coach yelling, "run Forrest, run!"

1. They play like the Mets.

by David Letterman © December 4, 1995

Things That Will Get You Suspended By Major League Baseball

10. Switching the Gatorade with the urine samples.

9. Inviting some guys you met at the Port Authority to come shower with the team.

8. Using Diamondvision to give entire crowd the finger.

7. Having a batting average lower than your blood alcohol level.

6. You've used too much pine tar and it ain't on your bat.

5. For the last several innings you've played shortstop in a delightful cocktail dress.

4. During "Star Spangled Banner," you do a slow, seductive striptease.

3. Wearing your cup outside your pants.

2. "Hitting for the cycle" with the umpire's wife.

1. Corking yourself.

by David Letterman © September 19, 1997

Signs The Pressure Is Getting To You During A Perfect Game

10. When the catcher visits the mound, you gaze deep into his eyes and whisper, "Hold me."

9. You decide to leave after the 7th inning to beat the traffic.

8. You think, "Hey, maybe Dan Quayle wouldn't be such a bad president..."

7. Between innings, you sit in the dugout eating rosin bags.

6. You start to wonder if maybe Dr. J is your real father.

5. You're fantasizing about a whirlpool bath with Phil Rizzuto.

4. Instead of shaking off the catcher, you flip off the catcher.

3. You try to borrow El Duque's raft and defect to Cuba.

2. After each strike, you rip off your jersey and run around in a black sports bra.

1. You help the umpire by licking home plate clean.

by David Letterman © July 21, 1999

Least Popular Attractions at the Baseball Hall of Fame

10. Animatronic Albert Belle that grabs himself.

9. The hall of pitchers who threw like girls.

8. Diorama of insect parts found in stadium hot dogs.

7. Babe Ruth's partially-eaten baseball glove.

6. Bus ticket to Columbus autographed by Hideki Irabu.

5. Wishing well filled with Steve Howe urine samples.

4. Titanium dugout bench built for Cecil Fielder.

3. 1968 photo showing how Gaylord Perry got his nickname.

2. The Louisville Slugger that Kathie Lee used on Frank.

1. Tobacco spit flume ride.

by David Letterman © August 4, 1997

Proposed New Baseball Rules

10. Clothing optional in dugouts.

9. Infield chatter must be in the form of a question.

8. Knock out beer vendor with ball and you automatically win the game.

7. Extra outs for every person on your team named "Mookie," "Scooter," or "Pee Wee."

6. Games will not start until the players' drugs have kicked in.

5. No more keeping your eye on the ball.

4. Goodbye Gatorade, hello Riunite.

3. If the catcher snags your pop foul, he gets to make out with your wife in the stands for awhile.

2. No team roster may include more than two dismissed Simpson jurors.

1. Reach a base. Do a shot.